Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Very rarely do I allow myself to admit I need a man around. I've grown enough to accept there are moments when it would be more convenient. Like emptying the car after a Costco run. Or when Aidan has questions like, "Mom, why is my penis so hard? It hurts and I think it's going to break.". A man would be useful then but I get through it. I leave non perishables in the car and take a few things out daily. And I remind Aidan that Daddy is a penis (I mean HAS one) and to call him. But today, actually this trip in general, has humbled me. I'd like a man around (note I still won't say I need one!). Today was supposed to be zip lining. We were to leave at 7:30 this morning. It's 9:25 and I'm having breakfast while the kids are still in bed. Why? With all my talk to the kids about not letting fear stop us from doing things we want to do, I let fear get to me. I was afraid something would happen. That the kids would get hurt. That they'd freak out when we got there and I'd be stuck in the jungle thousands of feet in the sky with a screaming child and no access to tequila. It seems so silly now in the light of day. But at 2am, this thought kept me up. And for the second time this trip, I wish I had a man with me. I'd feel more secure. It's a tremendous feeling in a marriage (or any relationship for that matter) to know someone has your back. To feel better as soon as they enter the room. More relaxed. Confident that everything will be alright. I lost that feeling well before I got divorced so no regrets there. But I miss it sometimes. Good friends (and I have great ones) mask the absence most days. But every once in a while it seeps back in. It is truly a feeling only a man, the right man, can give you, you know? When his physical presence alters your mood in every way. But as I started with, very rarely do I admit this. And I am now filled with regret that I let it get to me and missed out on what could have been a great experience for me and the kids. :-( P.S. 9:45am. I went back to the kids with some breakfast and announced my newfound realization that I let fear keep us from our adventure and to make it up to them we'd go horse back riding today. Jordan: You're crazy. Can you pass me the watermelon? Aidan: Whaaaaaat? Can't we just spend the day in the pool again? And with that, I was happy.