Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Day 4

Very rarely do I allow myself to admit I need a man around.  I've grown enough to accept there are moments when it would be more convenient. Like emptying the car after a Costco run. Or when Aidan has questions like, "Mom, why is my penis so hard? It hurts and I think it's going to break.". A man would be useful then but I get through it. I leave non perishables in the car and take a few things out daily. And I remind Aidan that Daddy is a penis (I mean HAS one) and to call him.  But today, actually this trip in general, has humbled me. I'd like a man around (note I still won't say I need one!).  Today was supposed to be zip lining. We were to leave at 7:30 this morning. It's 9:25 and I'm having breakfast while the kids are still in bed.  Why?  With all my talk to the kids about not letting fear stop us from doing things we want to do, I let fear get to me.  I was afraid something would happen. That the kids would get hurt.  That they'd freak out when we got there and I'd be stuck in the jungle thousands of feet in the sky with a screaming child and no access to tequila. It seems so silly now in the light of day. But at 2am, this thought kept me up.  And for the second time this trip, I wish I had a man with me. I'd feel more secure. It's a tremendous feeling in a marriage (or any relationship for that matter) to know someone has your back. To feel better as soon as they enter the room. More relaxed.  Confident that everything will be alright.   I lost that feeling well before I got divorced so no regrets there. But I miss it sometimes. Good friends (and I have great ones) mask the absence most days.  But every once in a while it seeps back in.  It is truly a feeling only a man, the right man, can give you, you know?  When his physical presence alters your mood in every way.  But as I started with, very rarely do I admit this. And I am now filled with regret that I let it get to me and missed out on what could have been a great experience for me and the kids.   :-( P.S. 9:45am. I went back to the kids with some breakfast and announced my newfound realization that I let fear keep us from our adventure and to make it up to them we'd go horse back riding today. Jordan: You're crazy. Can you pass me the watermelon? Aidan: Whaaaaaat? Can't we just spend the day in the pool again? And with that, I was happy.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Day 2

I've been in Costa Rica for 2 days and I've spent most of the time trying to coax Jordan out of the room. The rest of the time I've been in the pool with Aidan trying to make sure this is a decent vacation for him. Thank God he makes friends easily which means I can get out, pull up a lounge chair and sip my warm, watered down margarita until he calls me for one thing or another. Mom, take my goggles. Mom, can I have my goggles? Mom, grab that ball... So how did this vacation come about? I only have myself to blame. My kids have a lot of shit. A LOT. 2 PSPs, 2 DS', an Xbox, a PS3 and a Wii. Plus the requisite peripherals: Kinect, Move, Guitar Hero. The list goes on. I grown tired of buying more shit just to have it sit around. They don't need it. So this Christmas, I said no more gifts and gave them an "experience" instead. A trip to Costa Rica! YAY! Something for everyone. Beach and pool for Jordan. Animals and adventure for Aidan. Should have been perfect. But we got here and Jordan refuses to leave the room. She doesn't "feel comfortable". What the FUCK does that mean, I ask? (without the fuck of course). No further explanation. Just a repeat of the same. She wants to go home. Why can't we go home? So yesterday Aidan and I go to the pool without her. She gets in bed, begs me to buy the wifi (which I was going to do anyway but almost didn't out of spite) and falls asleep. We come back 2 hours later and I have to damned near pull her out of bed for dinner. This morning I reschedule our zip line excursion thinking she needs time to acclimate. I come back to the room, wake them for breakfast and she refuses to leave. How does a child "refuse"? Well after the first 40 min, I pull her out of bed. She just sits there. I begin to wonder if she's completely gone off her rocker. If she doesn't need a Xanax, I do. Then the tears start. "Mommy, please! You don't understand. I don't feel comfortable. Why do I have to leave? Can't I just stay inside all day? Can they not clean the room just today? Pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaase?". We miss breakfast. I finally call her father. I ignore the feelings of inadequacy that I can't solve this myselbeans begin to give into the feeling that he or his dumb ass girlfriend are the cause. Jordan was so excited for this trip. Then she goes to her dads and comes back a nervous wreck. Anyway, I call. She talks. And cries. And then I get on the phone. He honestly sounds shocked. But I've been here with him before so I'm not completely convinced. He talks to her again. She gets in the shower, gets dressed and pouts all the way through breakfast. She refused to put on a bathing suit so she sits by the pool and stews for two hours while my guilt keeps me in there with Aidan playing volleyball with this super athletic family from Nebraska that laugh every time I miss a pass and once when the dad hit me in the head with the ball. Finally we take her back to the room where she sleeps for another 3 hours. We go back to the pool for more volleyball. I decide that I will definitely schedule an adult vacation as soon as I'm back home. Now It's 45 min til dinner and 3 hours til bed. Then on to Day 3. Oh the joy.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Ok, so I guess not really single anymore

I just deleted my profile!  And not because the only date I've gone on through Match was with a gay man.  Nope.  Despite that, I've held onto the membership, continuing to pay every month.  So why have I taken this apparently drastic step?  Well, because...I have a boyfriend.

Saying boyfriend after a certain age just feels a little ridiculous.  Now I know why my aunt and all of my mom's single girlfriends used to call the various men in their lives their "friend."  I'm way too old to change my Facebook status to "dating..." so I guess the way this 40-something will announce it is with a whisper (lest it go...POOF!) and a removal of all profiles across the online dating universe.

But before I hit "cancel my subscription", I took a look at what I wrote and damned if it wasn't the perfect description of the guy I've got.  Ain't life grand?  Here it is.  Feel free to borrow it.  Maybe it's got some good mojo.

Hi! I've been divorced for over 2 years and although single life has been an adventure, I'd love to find someone to spend a lazy Saturday afternoon with.

I'm funny (at least I think so), sarcastic, equal parts driven and lazy. I'm just as comfortable out dancing all night as I am spending the evening w/Netflix, pizza and a bottle of wine.

My perfect mate loves to laugh...often. 

He's equal parts cool and corny.


Family is important to him. 

He's not afraid to talk about his feelings. 

He's smart.

Interested in seeing the world

Not afraid to take the lead.

He's handsome, interesting looking and sexy.

Someone who can put a smile on my face just looking at me. Someone I'm hot for even when I'm pissed as hell at him. Someone who can make me laugh even when I'm about to cry.

If that's you...I'd love to hear from you!